


Ankle-Biting Crimes

by Pluxolol



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Crack Fic, Gen, Gen Z Gavin Reed, Podfic Welcome, Post-Octopunk Media's Detroit: Evolution Fan Film, Well - Freeform, a single john mulaney reference, based off of actual messages between my friends and i, gavin reed and his sins against humanity as a whole, gen z babeeyy, i either post every two hours or you'll see me in a thousand years, i guarantee that most of this is written while sleep deprived and/or sick, kind of, lazzo and gavin are little shits, pogn't, theres really no plot to this, they all actually??? get along???, this is basically an extended incorrect DE quotes, why bother with summaries when you have T A G S?, you can spot it if you squint hard enough
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28183098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pluxolol/pseuds/Pluxolol
Summary: Group chats between various DBH characters (mostly just the characters in Detroit: Evolution) to feed my hyper fixation.
Relationships: Connor & Gavin Reed, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900, Hank Anderson & Connor, Lazzo Fratello & Gavin Reed, Tina Chen & Chris Miller & Gavin Reed, Upgraded Connor | RK900 & Lazzo Fratello, Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Murder Is Illegal In Most States, But Not All Of Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group discusses food and the legality of murder with a dash of John Mulaney references and Nines' weird habit of licking corpses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is kind of new for me. I've never really written a fic in this format, but I thought it would be interesting. I may do more of this, or I may not. Hope you enjoy it.

**Lazzo** : **@Nines**

 **Lazzo** : Gavin says he wants tuna and ketchup

 **Tina** : EW

 **Nines** : Tell him I'm revoking his kitchen privileges.

 **Gavin** : no

 **Gavin** : fuck off

 **Nines** : Gavin, you are NOT bringing your horrid tastes into my kitchen.

 **Nines** : It is absolutely vile.

 **Tina** : pogn't

 **Ada** : Im sorry

 **Ada** : pogn't?

 **Lazzo** : pognt

 **Gavin** : p o g n ' t

 **Gavin** : my tastes are not vile nines

 **Gavin** : u cant even eat

 **Tina** : gav, u drink condiments straight from the bottle

 **Chris** : didnt you eat an onion like an apple once?

 **Lazzo** : and what about that one time with the coffee creamer?

 **Ada** : Oh?

 **Gavin** : its better than licking corpses like **@Nines**

 **Nines** : Gavin, if you keep talking I will be sure to make you one of those corpses.

 **Tina** : oop- 

**Gavin** : ur a cop u cant do that

 **Ada** : Yeah, murder is illegal in most countries

 **Ada** : But not all of them

 **Tina** : UM

 **Chris** : ...

 **Lazzo** : ada murder is bad

 **Ada** : Ten reasons why murder is not okay:  
-  
-  
\-   
-  
-  
-  
-  
-  
-  
-

 **Ada** : Thank you for your attention

  
_-_ **Gavin** _added_ **Hank** _to the chat-_

_-_ Gavin _added_ **Connor** _to the chat-_

  
**Gavin** : i feel unsafe

 **Hank** : u should

 **Connor** : Hank!

 **Connor** : What's wrong **@Gavin**?

 **Gavin** : apparently my eating habits "arent normal" and are a "sin against the very fabric of creation" or whatever

 **Gavin:** and now nines wants to kill me

 **Nines:** I never said that. 

**Nines** : Ada and I simply alluded to the fact that if we were to kill you, it would be perfectly legal in some areas of the world.

 **Connor** : **@Tina @Chris** ?

 **Chris** : we have no part in this dude

 **Tina** : yea we're just bystanders

 **Hank** : now Tina

 **Hank:** in nazi germany-

  
_-_ Tina _removed_ Hank _from the chat-_

  
**Connor** : :(  


_-_ Chris _removed_ Connor _from the chat-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ada: Reasons why murder is bad:  
> -  
> Philip: Fair enough.
> 
> Kudos/comments/bookmarks/etc greatly appreciated.


	2. Yoinks and Boinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin: please just say shut up bottom
> 
> Nines: Shut up, Bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That first part about the guy flirting with Gavin? Yeah, that actually happened to me.

**Gavin** : do u guys remember that guy i threatened to carve out his intestines with a dull spoon last week?

 **Tina** : yeah lmao

 **Tina** : what's up?

 **Gavin** : i ran into him again and he tried to get in my pants

 **Chris** : _...Deadass?_

 **Tina** : shit dude

 **Chris** : Maybe this is payback for assuming Nines wanted to get with Ada

 **Gavin** : stfu **@Chris**

 **Lazzo** : whats an Ada

 **Gavin** : shes that android that almost killed nines a few months ago

 **Tina** : yeah, she looks at your code and then _yoink_

 **Gavin** : tina what

 **Chris** : yoink

 **Tina** : _yoinks your code_

 **Gavin** : guys no

 **Tina** : but tbh I don't think that would be your weirdest hookup

 **Gavin** : u right

 **Gavin** : i once had sex with perkins

 **Lazzo** : Perkins

 **Tina** : Perkins??

 **Chris** : As in-

 **Gavin** : yea it was perkins

_Several people are typing..._

  
**Lazzo** : **@Gavin** do you have a picture of Fucking Loser? I cant remember what it looks like

 **Tina** : just turn on ur selfie camera

 **Chris** : Tina, thats mean

 **Chris** : Just get Gavin to send a picture of himself

**Tina** : [Image]

 **Lazzo** : what would even be on a thanksgiving pizza

 **Gavin** : turkey and lies

 **Tina** : Colonialism

**Gavin** : imagine being able to kill nines

 **Gavin** : welp, next time

 **Nines** : ...

 **Nines** : I will remember that.

 **Gavin** : i forgot nines was in the gc-

 **Tina** : Nines is gonna murder u in ur sleep

 **Chris** : Nines is gonna kill everyone here

 **Lazzo** : thank god

 **Gavin** : finally a concrete way to die


	3. Throttling and Body Licking

_4:37 am_

**Gavin** : bro i am so caffenated rn

 **Gavin** : im gonna drink salad dressing

 **Nines** : Do not drink salad dressing, Gavin.

 **Gavin** : :)

 **Gavin** : brb

 **Nines** : I will throttle you.

 **Gavin** : hot

 **Gavin** : conclusion: bad

 **Gavin** : my throat burns

 **Nines** : I wonder why.

 **Nines** : ...you only had italian dressing in your home yesterday.

 **Gavin** : i WANTEd to drink the olive garden DRESSING nines

 **Nines** : Every day I am appalled by your stupidity and I am unsure why.

 **Nines** : Why do I ever expect more from you? 

**Gavin** : glad to be of disservice

 **Nines** : I'm fucking not.

  
_2:45 pm_

**Tina** : **@Connor**

 **Tina** : did u

 **Tina** : did u just threaten to lick me

 **Connor** : It was not a threat. I was simply telling you of my forensic capabilities. 

**Tina** : so do u just

 **Tina** : lick dead bodies?

 **Gavin** : yes and its fucking disgusting 1!!

 **Tina** : why would u want to lick me anyways?

_**Chris** is online._

**Nines** : To taste 'yeehaw'. 

_**Chris** is offline._

**Tina** : HHNNNGGH-

 **Tina** : IS THIS WHAT U HAVE TO PUT UP WITH

**Tina: @Gavin**

**Nines** : Yes.

 **Gavin** : if u think im gonna die because u and con have a vore addiction ur sorely mistaken

 **Connor** : What's 'vore'?

 **Tina** : CONNOR NO-

 **Nines** : Don't look it up.

 **Connor** : Too late.

_**Connor** left the group._

  
_7:38 pm_

**Tina** : just got catcalled by some dude

 **Gavin** : bark at him

 **Tina** : ...

 **Tina** : it fucking worked

  
_6:37 am_

**Gavin: [Image]**

**Gavin** : which 1 ????

 **Tina** : second

 **Hank** : 2

 **Connor** : The second shirt.

 **Sixty** : the first one

_Several people are typing..._

**Gavin** : who asked u het

 **Tina** : nobody asked u u hetero

 **Nines** : Nobody asked you, heterosexual.

 **Connor** : Guys, be nice. :(

 **Gavin** : silence cat boy

 **Nines** : You're one to talk.

**Nines: [Image]**

**Tina** : oop-

 **Gavin** : im gonna eat ur teeth

 **Nines** : I can't wait for it. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/commments/bookmarks/general validation greatly appreciated. :)


End file.
